One of my current favorite business-y type books is The Power of Story by Loehr. So many useful and accurate tidbits in there, but one of my favorites was his conceptualization of purpose. Loehr says we can't really live our best life unless we discover and articulate our real purpose, or Ultimate Mission, as he calls it. He gives this example of an unnamed famous tennis player (FTP) who's gotten caught up in winning and the resultant material goods - fancy cars and shiny medals. After some pushing and prodding from Loehr about what FTP's Ultimate Mission really is, FTP arrives back at Loehr's office with her proclamation: She wants to be sunshine.
From that realization forward, FTP is focused on being sunshine in every interaction. She smiles more, she brings levity and happiness to her interactions. She wants to win, but how she wins and loses is more important. As you might suspect, she wins more as a result. Loehr argues that she wins more because she has a powerful story that inspires her actions. She is totally engaged in her mission and that engagement brings extraordinary performance. Yes - it's a bit of a sing-songy example, but it gets the point across. Know your mission, get focused on that single thing and let that total engagement bring you to a greater level of brilliance (or performance.)
My Ultimate Mission is Courage and Compassion. I like this mission for everything - but I particularly like the way these words work with communication specifically.
While at first glance it might seem this mission is about how I treat others - and I do intend it that way - the fact is, it plays out most often with myself. It's about being courageous enough to be honest with myself about my interactions. It's about recognizing when I have argued a point I no longer believe in, just to win. It's about apologizing when I said something hurtful because I was too enamored with my own epiphany to notice that this was not the right time to share this reflection with a wounded soul. It's about being compassionate with myself when I fail to meet my own expectations. It's about being impeccable with my word (to use the words of Don Miguel Ruiz), first and foremost to myself - and with others. And to save this post from sounding like a horrible self-help book - it's also about putting my ass on the line. (Self-help books rarely use the word ass.) It's about sharing my frailties, asking for feedback and forgiveness. It's also about articulating my brilliance and risking that others will argue against my own impressions of myself.
While I tend to be direct in communication, it's usually in my questions to others. I tend to share little about myself. I want to see what happens if I am significantly more self-expressed. I'm pretty nervous because, well, I want people to think I'm cool. Or at least I want to think people think I'm cool. As a result of my new courageous communication, I'm pretty sure I'll learn that at least some people won't think I'm cool. That part sucks.
It's a good thing I've got the compassion thing to fall back on. I'll be needing that as I soothe myself from any negative feedback. This'll be good for me because frankly, I haven't been compassionate enough with myself or others up to now.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Twitter Wait! Not all communication is of value
I love hearing other people's thoughts, ideas and stories. I genuinely dig when I get a window into the inner workings of someone else's psyche. I am fascinated by what motivates people to speak, write, and create relationships. So, in many ways, I find the crazy technological tornado of communication tools available now fantastic. Self-expression is at our fingertips. As a passionate believer that self-expression is the avenue to a fabulous life, I consider this easy access to that expression a gift.
A potentially dangerous gift.
Even for those of us who try to be very conscious about our communication, there are times when we feel compelled to say something. We get all revved up to get it out there. Then, circumstances gratefully get in the way and we are glad we didn't. In the non-technological realm, this happens most often with just one other person. So, even if we do end up speaking without thinking, we just have one place to go to make our best repair attempt. While you can never erase communication, if the relationship is strong, we can often make things significantly better by a heart-felt apology.
Two aspects of technological communication are high risk: 1. large-audience broadcast is easy and, 2. you have no nonverbal support for your message.
Case in point: Twitter. Penelope Trunk (author of the book, Brazen Careerist), whose blog I greatly enjoy reading because it is funny and insightful (as well as courageous and irreverent, which is good and bad at varying times - but virtually always intriguing), has just started "twittering". In case you don't know (which I didn't before she introduced me), Twitter is a free service that allows you to update your relationship network regarding your every move and thought throughout your day with quick one-liners.
For example, Penelope twittered the following: "I'm blogging about my husband. He comes up behind and asks, Where is the laundry? I startle. Shriek. My son thinks we're fighting and cries." An hour later, she twitters the following: "I hate my last twitter. Where is the recall button? I want you to think I'm fun and my kids are happy and my husband is not still lurking."
See? The thing is, no recall button exists! This is why we need complication and various circumstances to get in the way of our communicating our every thought and feeling just as it arises. If you have to stare someone in the face, you will think longer about what you will say - if for no other reason than you will have to deal with their reaction real-time. Even if you use the phone, there is a sense of partnership in the communication: you talk, I listen. I respond, you respond to my response. I pause, you ask what's on my mind. You sigh, I try a new tactic to help you understand my perspective. Email gets trickier because, except for a few generalized emoticons :-b, nonverbal is nil. But at least with email, there is the sense of purpose for communication. We write to a person and have an intention for the contact. Generally, we think about what we write in an email because we have all been forwarded emails that we know weren't intended for others' viewing and we realize that could happen to us.
I am still struggling with the value of Twitter in the world of human relationships. For the most part, how is randomly broadcasting a passing thought or activity adding to quality of life? Twitter says right on their website that they are a "modern antidote to information overload". I'm wondering how they are not the opposite.
My point is this: only thoughtful and conscious communication is of value. If your filters are defective - or missing entirely - you are particularly at high risk using snazzy technological communication tools. I'm not saying don't use them. I'm saying, don't use all of them - and use the ones you choose thoughtfully.
Because, as burdensome as this is, you really cannot take back communication. Once it's out there, it's out there.
A potentially dangerous gift.
Even for those of us who try to be very conscious about our communication, there are times when we feel compelled to say something. We get all revved up to get it out there. Then, circumstances gratefully get in the way and we are glad we didn't. In the non-technological realm, this happens most often with just one other person. So, even if we do end up speaking without thinking, we just have one place to go to make our best repair attempt. While you can never erase communication, if the relationship is strong, we can often make things significantly better by a heart-felt apology.
Two aspects of technological communication are high risk: 1. large-audience broadcast is easy and, 2. you have no nonverbal support for your message.
Case in point: Twitter. Penelope Trunk (author of the book, Brazen Careerist), whose blog I greatly enjoy reading because it is funny and insightful (as well as courageous and irreverent, which is good and bad at varying times - but virtually always intriguing), has just started "twittering". In case you don't know (which I didn't before she introduced me), Twitter is a free service that allows you to update your relationship network regarding your every move and thought throughout your day with quick one-liners.
For example, Penelope twittered the following: "I'm blogging about my husband. He comes up behind and asks, Where is the laundry? I startle. Shriek. My son thinks we're fighting and cries." An hour later, she twitters the following: "I hate my last twitter. Where is the recall button? I want you to think I'm fun and my kids are happy and my husband is not still lurking."
See? The thing is, no recall button exists! This is why we need complication and various circumstances to get in the way of our communicating our every thought and feeling just as it arises. If you have to stare someone in the face, you will think longer about what you will say - if for no other reason than you will have to deal with their reaction real-time. Even if you use the phone, there is a sense of partnership in the communication: you talk, I listen. I respond, you respond to my response. I pause, you ask what's on my mind. You sigh, I try a new tactic to help you understand my perspective. Email gets trickier because, except for a few generalized emoticons :-b, nonverbal is nil. But at least with email, there is the sense of purpose for communication. We write to a person and have an intention for the contact. Generally, we think about what we write in an email because we have all been forwarded emails that we know weren't intended for others' viewing and we realize that could happen to us.
I am still struggling with the value of Twitter in the world of human relationships. For the most part, how is randomly broadcasting a passing thought or activity adding to quality of life? Twitter says right on their website that they are a "modern antidote to information overload". I'm wondering how they are not the opposite.
My point is this: only thoughtful and conscious communication is of value. If your filters are defective - or missing entirely - you are particularly at high risk using snazzy technological communication tools. I'm not saying don't use them. I'm saying, don't use all of them - and use the ones you choose thoughtfully.
Because, as burdensome as this is, you really cannot take back communication. Once it's out there, it's out there.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
It's What You Know That Counts
Think about your favorite topic right now. The thing that makes you giddy, excited, totally engaged and immersed. Maybe it's football. Or knitting. Or honey bees. Doesn't matter.
Now, tell me about it. Tell me a story about it. Then tell me how it works. Tell me what I can do with this information to make my life so much better - like yours is for knowing all about this thing.
Then listen to you.
Hear that energy and fire? Hear that clarity and confidence?
That, my friend, is the zone. That's what you want when you are going to talk publicly on any topic. That is how you want to feel; the energy you want. And you can have it. Here's how: get very educated on the topic. Learn everything you can about that which you are going to share publicly. Immerse yourself in the world of your topic and find inspiration. There's a story out there that will pull on your heart or build a fire in your belly. There are statistics and trends that bring this concept to life. Gather it all up.
Then make it yours. Discover in you where this information matters. Does the fact that children's toys may have toxic levels of lead endanger your own children? Does it make you angry that our government hasn't protected your nephew from this atrocity? Are you curious if this explains your own neurological disorder? Or, does your company's software create the cutting edge - take clients where no one has ever gone before? Does this software handle a problem you know has caused tons of angst and frustration in the industry? Because you get to bring peace and productivity to those agonized souls, if it does. So, own that power. And tell them all about the solution you can bring to their lives.
In the case of public speaking, it is what you know that counts.
Research your brains out. Exhaust the evidence. Then choose the most compelling statistics and the most thrilling stories to make your case. Pull them together clearly - with simplicity - and your audience will be absorbed, enthralled, intrigued. You will, too - and that'll make you speak with energy and fire. They'll love it. You'll love it, too.
Now go tear it up.
Now, tell me about it. Tell me a story about it. Then tell me how it works. Tell me what I can do with this information to make my life so much better - like yours is for knowing all about this thing.
Then listen to you.
Hear that energy and fire? Hear that clarity and confidence?
That, my friend, is the zone. That's what you want when you are going to talk publicly on any topic. That is how you want to feel; the energy you want. And you can have it. Here's how: get very educated on the topic. Learn everything you can about that which you are going to share publicly. Immerse yourself in the world of your topic and find inspiration. There's a story out there that will pull on your heart or build a fire in your belly. There are statistics and trends that bring this concept to life. Gather it all up.
Then make it yours. Discover in you where this information matters. Does the fact that children's toys may have toxic levels of lead endanger your own children? Does it make you angry that our government hasn't protected your nephew from this atrocity? Are you curious if this explains your own neurological disorder? Or, does your company's software create the cutting edge - take clients where no one has ever gone before? Does this software handle a problem you know has caused tons of angst and frustration in the industry? Because you get to bring peace and productivity to those agonized souls, if it does. So, own that power. And tell them all about the solution you can bring to their lives.
In the case of public speaking, it is what you know that counts.
Research your brains out. Exhaust the evidence. Then choose the most compelling statistics and the most thrilling stories to make your case. Pull them together clearly - with simplicity - and your audience will be absorbed, enthralled, intrigued. You will, too - and that'll make you speak with energy and fire. They'll love it. You'll love it, too.
Now go tear it up.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Stay Over with Them and Out of You
Yesterday, I got a phone call from my friend, Nancy, as she was about to go into a presentation. She was feeling distracted, tense and disconnected from a phone call she just received with upsetting news about a close friend. An experienced public speaker, Nancy was used to going into presentations feeling focused and excited. As we brainstormed ways that she could clear her emotional state enough to perform a dynamic and engaged presentation, I recalled one of the best pieces of advice I ever got about public speaking. It is this:
Stay over with them and out of you.
Every bit of angst and fear we feel as public speakers comes from our internal dialogue (conscious or not) about how we will appear to others. Will I be funny? Will I sound smart? Will I be clear, concise, interesting... name your adjective. What follows this internal inquiry is usually some combination of confidence and uncertainty as well as both a realistic and unrealistic sense of the boundaries of our knowledge on the topic. If we have significant confidence in our content and some positive feelings about public speaking, we may convince ourselves that we will do a good job. We may not. It depends on a zillion factors, all vying for position in our internal debate. Stir in some emotional unrest, as occurred when Nancy got this phone call about her friend, and you are sure to be so distracted by your inner turmoil that the thought of having a room full of eyes studying your frailty is overwhelming. Even if you are an experienced public speaker like Nancy.
In the majority of situations, it is impossible to resolve all of these issues before we do a presentation. The fact is that we do have boundaries to our knowledge (the very fact that virtually all things are debatable makes this inherently so) and we can't know what our audience is thinking, even if we know that we are prepared with great information to share. And life is happening all around us, even as we are preparing for one of the most fear-inducing activities possible, as public speaking is for many.
What we can know is that we have valuable information that will be useful to the members of our audience. We can know that we practiced the delivery of that information so that it is most accessible to those people anxiously awaiting our presence. We have control over our own research, information organization and presentation delivery practice. The rest - out of our hands.
So, let it go. Get out of your head. No dramatic ceremony required. You can even let those internal, conflicting thoughts hang out there in the living room of your mind and await your revisit after your presentation. Just move your consciousness from that swirling mist of anxiety provoking thinking and set it out there in the middle of the audience. Give it a chair, right there in the center of the room, and imagine your consciousness simply sharing what you know with the people who have shown up to hear from you.
That's what Nancy did. I got an email after her presentation in which she said that she had a great time, the presentation went really well and they all shared an engaging discussion after the presentation (often a good sign of a successful presentation.) She removed herself from the chaotic internal dialogue going on in her own head, and placed herself squarely into the interests and energy of her audience. It worked. It virtually always works.
Because the truth is, it's not about you. It's about your audience - and how you can improve their life in some way by sharing what you know. That's what public speaking is about.
Stay over with them and out of you.
Every bit of angst and fear we feel as public speakers comes from our internal dialogue (conscious or not) about how we will appear to others. Will I be funny? Will I sound smart? Will I be clear, concise, interesting... name your adjective. What follows this internal inquiry is usually some combination of confidence and uncertainty as well as both a realistic and unrealistic sense of the boundaries of our knowledge on the topic. If we have significant confidence in our content and some positive feelings about public speaking, we may convince ourselves that we will do a good job. We may not. It depends on a zillion factors, all vying for position in our internal debate. Stir in some emotional unrest, as occurred when Nancy got this phone call about her friend, and you are sure to be so distracted by your inner turmoil that the thought of having a room full of eyes studying your frailty is overwhelming. Even if you are an experienced public speaker like Nancy.
In the majority of situations, it is impossible to resolve all of these issues before we do a presentation. The fact is that we do have boundaries to our knowledge (the very fact that virtually all things are debatable makes this inherently so) and we can't know what our audience is thinking, even if we know that we are prepared with great information to share. And life is happening all around us, even as we are preparing for one of the most fear-inducing activities possible, as public speaking is for many.
What we can know is that we have valuable information that will be useful to the members of our audience. We can know that we practiced the delivery of that information so that it is most accessible to those people anxiously awaiting our presence. We have control over our own research, information organization and presentation delivery practice. The rest - out of our hands.
So, let it go. Get out of your head. No dramatic ceremony required. You can even let those internal, conflicting thoughts hang out there in the living room of your mind and await your revisit after your presentation. Just move your consciousness from that swirling mist of anxiety provoking thinking and set it out there in the middle of the audience. Give it a chair, right there in the center of the room, and imagine your consciousness simply sharing what you know with the people who have shown up to hear from you.
That's what Nancy did. I got an email after her presentation in which she said that she had a great time, the presentation went really well and they all shared an engaging discussion after the presentation (often a good sign of a successful presentation.) She removed herself from the chaotic internal dialogue going on in her own head, and placed herself squarely into the interests and energy of her audience. It worked. It virtually always works.
Because the truth is, it's not about you. It's about your audience - and how you can improve their life in some way by sharing what you know. That's what public speaking is about.
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